Right now I am the biggest I have ever been in my life & I am starting to hate myself for it. How could I let this happen? What the hell did I do so wrong to get to this? Why?
I have felt it creeping up over the past few years but always felt that I could control it hmmm boy was I was I so wrong. I only have myself to blame, not the fridge, not the Husband, not the people around me. I love to eat, it’s as simple as that. I enjoy cooking & just as much, I love to eat. I don’t eat to live, I eat because I enjoy food.
My biggest demise in all this is I hate to exercise.
For 12 months before my wedding, I hit the gym 3 times a week with a personal trainer. I felt good, no actually I felt awesome but I hated it. I hate to sweat but the transformation my body made over those 12 months was a-mazing. I had abs of steel & I had a butt that would make a Brazilian woman jealous.
Why can’t I get that motivation back??? I feel like I have just given up. I feel like more & more each day people are judging me…by my weight out of all things. I’m constantly hearing people say they are fat, they need to lose weight, that girl over there is huge, is he/she seriously going to eat all that & then you get the flip side of, oh no I’m on a diet, I can’t eat that, I have to go to the gym, I wanted to work off x amount of calories & only managed y amount, I can only have 1 carb today, it goes on & on & on & on & on…if I hear one more person talk about weight in a negative way I am going to scream. Actually what takes the cake is hearing a Mother talk about her 18 year old daughter (who is usually as skinny as a rake) being a little on “the chubby side”. For goodness sake, she is in a happy place. Just because she the tiniest pot belly I have seen does not make her fat. Come and have a look at the Tsunami that my ass makes when I walk!
Don’t get me started on clothes but hey seeing I mentioned it let’s just! Now I know I have put on weight but since when did a size 12 feel like an 8? And yet, when you walk in to places like Supre some times their xxs is swimming on me??? No wonder there are so many girls with eating disorders & body dysmorphic disorder.
Apart from the obvious of being healthy, why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so hell bent in being perfect?