As the title says, it’s another weekend upon us however this one will be a little different for us.
I have never written this “out loud” so please bare with me.
This coming Sunday, we were supposed to be having a baby.
We have been trying for a very long time and as quickly as the IVF nurse said those words to me “you’re pregnant”, I heard the words from the sonographer “I am sorry to say but there is no heartbeat”.
Time stopped for us both those days.
I remember sitting in my office waiting for the phone call. My Husband and I have been together for 12 years, 5 years of which we have been married, several plus years of no contraception and 3 years of IVF. After 5 failed attempts we were on to our last frozen embryo. My symptoms were a little different from the previous attempts and it does make it hard when you are pumped up with various drugs as well progesterone. So, every single twinge you feel makes you believe “this is it!”. With the previous attempts I had always made it to the last day and then the dreaded red lady would show her ugly face but this time was different. We had made it! I walked in to the clinic with a huge smile on my face. Threw out my arm and happily gave them blood to test because this time we were pretty sure it was going to be positive.
Waiting for that phone call all day was full of suspense. Then it came and the words she spoke filled me with tears of joy that I have only experienced when my Husband proposed to me. We were PREGNANT!
The next few weeks were spent back and forth to the clinic for blood tests to make sure my levels were rising. This is one good thing (actually there are many things) with IVF, you are monitored but more closely. My levels were rising and they were extremely happy with the numbers, and so were we. Then that fated day came. I was booked in for my first scan to make sure everything looked fine and that we had a heartbeat. I had drunk my 1 litre of water, more than the usual because for some reason 500ml is not enough for me and we waited to be called. I was extremely nervous. The words “go with your gut feeling” swarmed through my head and a wave of uncertainty flowed through me. For some reason I knew something was wrong.
The sonographer came out and took me in to a room by myself. That made me feel quite uneasy and for the first time ever, I felt so alone and wanted my Husband to be there too. She said that she wanted to look first and then bring him after. And look she did. She poked and prodded me in silence. Yet again, I felt uneasy and the uncertainty flowed even more. She still said nothing and then took the camera out and said she was going to get my Husband. When they came back to the room she turned to both of us and said “it is no use beating around the bush” and I knew. The words I never, ever wanted to hear in my life were about to come out of her mouth “this is not a viable pregnancy, there is not heartbeat”. My Husband went white. I was crushed. What we had waited so long for was taken away from us in that split second. I went silent. I had no words at all.
I was booked in to see my Specialist the following day and she actually made me feel at ease. She went through a list of what ifs with us and said she wanted to wait one more week. I don’t know if she did that to give us hope but she gave us a 50% chance that they may have been wrong. To be honest, it was the best thing she could have done. I cried for days. I searched the internet. I had time to heal. By the time the following week came around and I had a scan with one of my Specialists, who even though is extremely up front and to the point, I felt much better knowing that he was going to tell me the bad news rather than the sonographer from the hospital. He explained everything we saw on the screen and they also could not believe how much further my body was taking the pregnancy. Basically my body was doing the right thing but the embryo wasn’t. By this stage I just wanted the symptoms to end and we booked in for a D & C mainly because my Dr’s didn’t know when body would do it all itself because I still advancing.
The hospital was absolutely amazing. They were so empathetic and sympathetic and the nurses stayed with me in recovery. I kept telling them that I really wasn’t that important as I am sure they had bigger procedures to attend to but they insisted. They made me feel special. They made the pain literally go away.
Sunday 18th July 2010 was our due date. I don’t want to sit back and drown in my sorrows but I don’t want to forget that date either.
I know our time will come, we are ready. The only issue is me, I don’t like surprises and I want to know now!
Since our loss I have met a lot of remarkable women in real life and online who have been through worse than me. I am amazed at how they talk about their experiences and share their pain as well as their triumphs. I thank them for allowing me to express my fears and to move forward…together. I am not alone 🙂